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How to Impress a Woman

A Sunday afternoon, it’s summer, friends are sitting by the water, watching boats, the dogs, but mostly just sitting about, doing not much of anything.

“Here’s a joke that I tell at my seminars, says Richard. A man is walking down a beach when he picks up a bottle and, lo and behold, a genie emerges, saying what else but “Your wish is my command.”
The man thinks a minute and finally asks, “Well, I live in Nova Scotia and often work on the west coast, and hate to fly. I’d like you to build me a bridge so I can drive back and forth.”
The genie shakes his head, strokes his beard, and says, “That’s an awfully difficult request, don’t you have anything easier for me to fulfil?”
The man says, “Let’s see, well since I deal with women, it would be really helpful to know what they want.”
The genie answers, “About that bridge, two lanes or four?”

A sharp rebuking from his wife. “Richard, if you wait for me to tell you what I want it’s too late.”
“Shoes! And more shoes” A return shout from Richard, his arms flying in mock defense.
“Well smarty pants, how come it takes a million sperm to find one egg?” She flings the answer, “Men are too stupid to ask directions!”

From across the lawn one of the mature ladies reaching into her purse says, “Here is something I printed from the internet.

How to Impress a Woman.

respect her,

  • honour her,

  • compliment her,

  • cuddle her, kiss her, caress her,

  • listen to her,

  • care for her, comfort her,

  • wine and dine her,

  • go to the ends of the earth for her.”

She pauses for effect, getting ready to deliver the punch line, she observes some of the females smiling as if to say ‘wouldn’t it be nice.’ Richard jumps in, shouting “Hey you know how to impress a man? Show up naked and bring food!”

Laughs all around, both sexes nodding approval. A voice, soft and soothing, barely heard, flows over the group.

“To be seen and heard, and for you to know what I want before I have to ask for it.” Says the Doc. “Yes. It’s a deeply familiar female sentiment that’s completely unfamiliar to males. Unless it’s said during a fight or in couple’s therapy.”

Doc pauses, giving others a chance to offer words or take over, they don’t; not even Richard. “It’s a learned behaviour, girls start shutting down in the sixth grade, according to a recent study by the Association of University Women they drop to minimum levels of participation by the seventh and eighth grade. Its as if saying “I want” or “I need” seems unladylike and unattractive.”

The group of friends are silent, it’s not often the Doc runs on like this. She continues. “Or maybe the reasons are even more serious. The extreme view is that women can see no way of exercising control without risking an assertion that seems selfish and hence morally dangerous. What ever the reason women have learned not to speak up; they developed an unwritten code of of behaviour characterized by subtlety, innuendo, inference and at worst manipulation. Women have become comfortable with this code, yet men have not.” Doc takes a deep breath, considering and editing her next words, and from her right a booming voice.

“Hey, how ’bout them Jays?”


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