7 Ideas to Help Rebuild Your Life

Recovery from divorce or separation takes time, and work and a few other things. A broken relationship is like a boat with a broken rudder; you are crippled and out of control, and you may end up on the rocks. In time you will recover.

1. Desire

In my day to day dealings with clients and visitors I am sometimes reminded that not all people feel that divorce or separation is a defeat. Often it is seen as a reason to celebrate. However, for most of us it is not a happy event. To begin your recovery or your building process you must have want or desire to do it. Here is what I suggest you do right now to start feeling good about yourself.

  • Make a quick list, point by point; because writing creates feelings, and feelings create action.
  • Begin with a single bold statement like “I wanna move on”. Interestingly other ideas or desires automatically unfold. Write ‘em all down, in any order, forget the speling, just write.
  • Then refine your statement with specific details

“I desire ownership, without debt, of a 45 foot Swan, cutter rigged, cruise equipped, and in the water by the 16th of August 2008”. I am very clear with my desire so it is easier for me to stay focused.

2. Focus

It’s tough in the middle of storm and the boat is sinking.

We all have things that get in the way of what we want. We all have good days and bad days. We all have other things that cry for our attention. We all have handicaps. We all have side trips. In the middle of your storm you can’t be all things to all people, nor can you do ten things at once. That is OK, providing you do something to retain your focus on the things or outcome that is really important. What would happen if after you have written down your desires and you sense that your priorities are upside down?

3. Priorities

Do I reach for the bailing bucket or jump overboard? It is a sinking feeling when we are overtaken by really bad weather. For a lot of people with relationship problems their focus is simply too narrow. I have watched marriages disintegrate because one spouse lived only for money. Or for kids. Or for toys. If your desire is to repair a relationship or repair yourself then you may need to focus and change your priorities. It’s not all that easy to do everything, so maybe you shouldn’t. Change means adjustment and it may mean giving up being super-mom or the club secretary. It may simply mean getting some sleep. It may mean going back to school, or quitting something. Yes it may mean doing nothing. In bad weather sailors often lash the wheel and confidently go below to ride it out.

4. Passion
A new day I love getting wet and banged about as much as the quietness of a tropical lagoon.
Couples in a successful relationship share a passion for that relationship. They are focused and have their priorities reasonably ship-shape. Passion does not necessarily mean night after night high-energy sex. It is simply liking or loving what you do. When you find and follow your passion then everything else just sorta falls into place. It is the wise person who knows when to switch jobs, and the same is true with relationships. Focus on your passion. No passion? Go find one or make one or borrow one.

5. Work and More Work.

The reward of a safe passage is paid in the coin of preparation and practice.

There are no shortcuts. None. It is not a gift or luck All successful people work very hard. Does Tiger Woods bother with practice? Does Oprah come into work everyday at 5 am? A commonality is that they love their work. To them it is not work. Look at it this way. Good lovers know they are good, and they always make an effort to improve. So, does it not make perfect sense to work just as hard at building or maintaining or repairing yourself? Consider an investment. Talk to a counselor, a mentor, go on a date, talk to your dog. Anything that works is OK.

6. Persistence

“Never!. Never!. Never, give up!” Churchill.

Think of the people who have conquered Everest, or people who have earned their degrees or stripes or wreaths of laurel. Each has earned their reward one step at a time. They did not quit. Persistence pays rewards like no other quality. OK, I see the hands. Yes, I said it is OK to quit sometimes. That is true. Which brings us to one more point.

7. Wisdom

Running your boat onto a hard surface teaches you not to run aground.

We earn wisdom. We pay the price in the form of wins, but mostly it comes from errors, mistakes, missed orders, failed business and failed relationships. With experience you’ll know when to leave the ship. With experience you’ll know not to fear the storm, but to welcome the opportunity it presents.

2006 Colin Kennedy. Author, parent, lover, photographer, and a divorce specialist. Helping you with your own divorce dance. You can reach him at http://www.candivorce.ca

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