When Lust and Love Becomes Fight and Flight
Divorce specialist, Colin Kennedy, firmly believes that it is just too easy to walk away from a relationship that has gone south. This report examines our journey from love to flight and includes practical help with the whole process.
In the beginning, you both try to impress the other; there are numerous questions and answers and the great joy of discovery. Everything is new and exciting; you are the envy of your friends, you can’t wait until you see each other again. You both make a commitment and share hopes and dreams.
Hint. Persistently show that you like each other to keep your relationship fresh. Even something as simple as complementing on your spouse’s looks or buying little surprised gifts can help. Look for the things that would make your partner feel cherished.
Sex within the marriage is a good and comforting extension of your day to day intimacy. Both of you have a duty to your partnership to maintain open and honest communication. Marriage fails for a multitude of reasons; this writer suggests that the number one relationship killer is a failure for couples to communicate openly.
Consider the man who says his wife will not initiate sex. Men have this need to feel they count; they usually have a need for their spouse to take the lead occasionally. How the female does it is important because the male tends to misread things. He tends not to get the subtle approach. The male, who is usually dominate when it comes to sex, tends to take the lead and ask for sex in his own way. A problem develops when he is rejected six times in a row. He gives up. The problem of course is that he may withdraw and a standoff develops.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you both agreed to an open and sincere communication about sex, and about money, and work, and kids, and having a date, and holidays, sharing housework, and sharing some private time for just the two of you? Why not have a date without the kids?
An eroding relationship can be salvaged. If you learn to communicate then it is a certainty that you can save your marriage. If you both can not accept that things are heading south then the erosion will only get worse. Help comes in the form of mediation and joint marriage counseling. Counseling will only work if you both sincerely want to make adjustments and improvements. The internet provides hundreds of sites and articles that suggest ways to save your marriage. Help also comes in the form of financial counseling because the number two relationship killer is how you make and handle your money.
Going, going, gone. One of you has made the decision to bail, but before you run to the divorce court do yourself a major favour – do your preparation work. At this point, the marriage is done; it is now a time to divide the spoils. This can be a dangerous time. One partner may not accept facts and will attempt to circumvent the process. There is also a danger of one spouse assuming the role of “nice guy”. This partner hopes you will see how fair and reasonable they are and he or she will win you over. In the absence of a workable plan, it becomes a painful exercise.
Ultimately you separate. Many people rush to a lawyer for a separation agreement and soon discover the process consuming too much time and the bill becomes like a breakfast buffet. Moreover, most lawyers will not represent both parties so you’ll need two adversarial lawyers.
It is better if you can resolve your own issues with our sample separation agreement. All is not totally lost if you can make a serious attempt to reconcile.
Accounting and evaluation of real property and tax issues is suggested if you feel overwhelmed. Do your homework by making an inventory of property, gather tax information for both parties and make an appointment with an accountant. You can expect to pay about $200 for this one-time objective advice. It is a fraction of what a law firm would charge for the same work.
Real property, including the matrimonial home and the cottage can be an issue. The value of the properties is calculated by subtracting what is owed from the market value. Market value is defined as what a willing buying will pay today. You can get a free market evaluation from any Realtor. It’s his or her job, they know the market and this evaluation is a free service.
Children are deeply effected by the split. Be open with them and they will understand. Surprising they will adapt. Unless they are very young, the kids already are aware of the relationship difficulties and there is no sense hiding things from them.
In every province, the court follows the Federal Child Support Guidelines to determine who pays what to whom. It does not matter if you are separated or divorced, the guidelines apply. You can read the guidelines here.
Lawyers and your money go hand in hand. Traditionally couples would seek legal help from a local lawyer, but divorce law has changed so that it is possible to get divorced without paying a lawyer.
Alternatively, you can beat the high cost of your divorce by making a serious attempt to reach an agreement by using the free separation agreement. Get the property and kid issues resolved first, then the divorce thing becomes easier and less stressful.
If divorce is going to happen, then you should seriously consider the help of candivorce.ca. The fee for a divorce specialist to listen to you, to prepare your legal divorce documents and guide you through the entire process is a fraction of what a law firm would charge you for exactly the same work. In addition, not surprisingly, at the end of the day you are just as divorced.
Recovery can take time. Divorce is the legal end of your marriage. Not all people see it as a failure; some see it as a learning experience and they gain a boatload of wisdom. They have the benefit of their experience and learn to accept the reality. Traditionally, females have a tougher time adjusting, but it is not impossible if you face your new life with a distinctively healthy attitude. Things will get better. That’s a promise.
2006 Colin Kennedy http://www.candivorce.ca Colin is an author, parent, lover, and a divorce specialist helping people through the divorce process
Note: Canadian divorce requires a high level of expertise, and if you do not know what you are doing, then you will quickly run into serious difficulty
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